House Md Piano Man
by emmy m.d
Summary: Cuddy has a proposition for House...one he might actually like that doesn't involve sex.
1. Chapter 1

Not mine...sadly.

Short first chapter but I'm just getting the story started.

"House...I have a proposition for you." Cuddy walked into House's office in what seemed like a good mood. He looked her over once.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeell Cuddles...I don't know. Last time you wouldn't stop calling and you got so needy...that thing you do with your toe was pretty cool though."

She rolled her eyes. "Funny...anyway. The hospital is hosting a fundraising event in two weeks...you WILL be there and you WILL wear a tux. But the beauty of it is you won't have to talk to anyone! And no one will talk to you and you won't offend any potential investors!...Hopefully."

"Oh really? How are you planning on managing that? Making me the sexy assistant in your magic show and leaving me locked in the disappearing box? Don't think so." House put his feet on his desk. "Besides...I don't look as good as you do in sequin corsets and fishnets."

"What if I told you, you could sit down the whole night and have as many drinks as you want...within reason...brought to you on a tray by a gorgeous waitress?" She leaned forward on his desk. Her shirt gaped a bit and she knew it. Hell, anything to get him to a benefit. House set his feet on the floor.

"I'm listening."

Cuddy smiled. "I want you to play for the benefit. It's perfect for you! You won't even know you're there!" _And for the sake of everyone's feelings, they won't know you're there either._ She stared at House, waiting for his response. She could tell how hard he was considering this. Cuddy kept her face calm but on the inside fireworks were going off. FINALLY, she may have won one!

"All that...and three weeks off clinic and you have your piano man."

"One week."

"Two."

"Deal!" Cuddy clapped her hands once. Victory was hers!

"And of course I play what I want. As in, NO requests. I do NOT do requests. And I retain the right to hit anyone who tries to make a request with my cane." House raised his eyebrows. Cuddy knew no exceptions would be made. But surely he wouldn't REALLY hit anyone just for asking him to play a song...right?

"Of course! Play what you want. Just play! And show up on time and wear a tux. Keep the tie on for at least forty-five minutes and you can take it off."

House pretended to think it over and nodded. With that, the deal was struck. Cuddy grinned and walked out. Right as House was turning on his gameboy she stuck her head back in.

"Those two weeks off clinic duty start AFTER you perform...so get down there!" With that she left for good before he could make a sarcastic remark about slave drivers with big chests. He started his game.


	2. Chapter 2

**Shows not mine. Songs not mine. Nothings mine. **

**Sorry it's been so long, I've had a lot going on with school and stuff but I'll try to do better.**

"So what are you going to play?"

"Stop asking."

"Tell me. I'm curious...it's not every day you do...well...anything to help out Cuddy. I want to know what you're going to play. Do you even know or will you just wing it?"

"I haven't decided. Now go away."

"Are you nervous?"

"Never."

Wilson walked up to House and straightened his tie. They were at House's place getting ready to leave for the benefit. Everyone was going. Ever since the news had been let out about House playing, that was all anyone ever talked about. It was a shock to many that a man as crass and loutish as Greg House could ever do anything so delicate as playing the piano. And well enough to be invited by the Dean of Medicine herself, Lisa Cuddy! Of course really that wasn't much of a shock. Everyone knew who wore the pants in THAT relationship. House's own team had bugged him to the point of complete insanity with questions. None of which had gotten a straight answer out of the man. But the night was tonight and all would be answered. The room would be packed and out the door, all to see him play. The only part that bothered him was that they weren't there for the music, they were there for the spectacle. House would never admit that though.

"Stop playing with my tie Wilson, you're popping my personal bubble."

Wilson rolled his eyes and let House fix it himself. A few minutes later, House turned to Wilson.

"Look ok?"

"You look fine. Cuddy's going to be amazed to see you shaved."

"I didn't shave for this! I'm trying out a new look."

"Sure...anyway. I called your parents. They can't make it down but your mother want me to film your little 'piano recital' for them so she can show it to her friends and brag about her son; the brilliant doctor piano man."

"You don't have a camera."

"Don't need one. I'm sure someone there will make us a copy off their recording. I know for a fact, at least 6 people are bringing cameras. Two of them are on your team actually. And Cuddy."

House rolled his eyes.

"Let's get this over with..."

Off they drove to have House shatter his well-built reputation as a misanthropic bastard.

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"And now it is my deepest honor to introduce our very own, Dr. Gregory House, who will be gracing us with his lovely piano playing." Cuddy motioned to the wings and begrudgingly, House limped out onto the hot stage. For the first time, cold tendrils of nerves danced across his skin as he noticed just how many people were there. He hadn't played for a crowd since high school. He nodded and stepped up to the microphone.

"Uh, thanks. This first song, I would like to dedicate to Dr. Cuddy in thanks for her...invitation to play for you tonight. I believe that she was truly the inspiration for this song." A collective "aw" flowed across the audience. Another nod and he sat at the piano. Just to annoy Cuddy, he loudly began to crack all his knuckles, neck and back. Giving a wry grin he began to play.

The notes flowed freely and clearly. It was a familiar song, but no one could quite place it. Then House began to sing.

_"I like big butts and I can not lie_

_You other brothers can't deny_

_That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and round thing in your face you get_

_SPRUNG."_

As the song went on, Cuddy's face became redder and redder. Everyone politely tried to hold in there snickers, but a few could be heard above the crowd. House was going all out. Eyes closed, half dancing as he played. Amazing how even in that situation, he could still ooze sarcasm.

"_So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playing workout tapes by Fonda_

_But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda_

_My anaconda don't want none_

_Unless you got buns hun."_

Wilson's head was buried in his hands and his shoulders shook slightly while tears were flowing down Foreman's face as he laughed out loud at the sight of his boss singing a Sir Mix-A-Lot song as he accompanied himself on the piano. It was too much. Many in the crowd were laughing outright as Cuddy tried to keep her tight-lipped smile tied on.

_"So ladies, if the butt is round_

_And you wanna triple X throw down_

_Dial 1-900-HouseTheDoc_

_And kick them nasty thoughts_

_Baby got back"_

Cameron had her eyes close and hand pressed to her mouth trying not to laugh. Why did she have to sit next to Cuddy tonight of all nights?! Chase just sat staring open-mouthed at the demonstration on stage.

_"Little in the middle but she got much back_

_Little in the middle but she got much back."_

He got a little quieter every time as he sang. Cuddy was furious and tried not to show it. Oh how he would pay on Monday.

_"Little in the middle but she got much back_

_Little in the middle but she got much back"_

Applause roared through the crowd as everyone at Cuddy's table politely clapped and quickly put their hands in their laps and looked everywhere but at her.

House stood and bowed once and sat once more. Everyone got silent to see who he would make fun of next. He placed his fingers on the keys and-

**Oooooh sorry. It was too perfect of a cliff hanger. I promise it won't be long if it gets some reviews though. -smiles!-**


	3. Chapter 3

**Not mine. Stop asking. It hurts my feelings.**

**So when I started this story, I wasn't sure which direction I wanted it to go, serious or funny. I'm thinking about maybe doing this story over when I'm done, except have it be a serious version. But for now, I believe I'll stick with the humorous aspect of the idea. Hope you guys enjoy it!**

Leaning forward into the microphone, House announced his next victim.

"This next piece is especially for Dr. Robert Chase. But I suppose Dr. James Wilson will enjoy it as well. It is my belief it fits them both."

He arranged his hands on the keys, but before his notes flowed freely he sang the beginning words. Groans could be heard from somewhere in Chase's area, but Wilson just leaned his face into his hands as his elbows rested rudely on the table.

"_I'm too sexy for my love_

_Too sexy for my love,_

_Love's going to leave me"_

Here, the music began and the audience went wild. No one other than Cameron, who was sitting next to Chase, even bothered trying to hold in their laughter. A grin started to spread across her face, and she tried desperately to wipe it off. However, one glance in her friends direction and she lost control. Poor Cameron almost fell out of her seat laughing so hard.

_"I'm too sexy for my car, too sexy for my car_

_Too sexy by far_

_And I'm too sexy for my hat_

_Too sexy for my hat, what you think about that?"_

It didn't help matters at all that last week, Chase's car was in the shop and he had to take a cab to and from work. The audience roared. Even Wilson started to chuckle.

"_I'm a model, you know what I mean_

_And I do my little turn on the catwalk_

_Yeah on the catwalk one the catwalk yeah_

_I shake my little tush on the catwalk."_

At this point, people were almost dying from laughing so hard. House kept a dead straight face. He even started moving his shoulders around and had a slight pout on his face. Very modely of him. Even Chase had to laugh at that.

"_I'm too sexy for my, _

_Too sexy for my, _

_Too sexy for my"_

A nurse walked over to Chase and draped her mesh shawl over his shoulders. Chase decided to be a good sport. Leaving on his button up shirt, he removed his dinner jacket and put her shawl on properly. Getting to his feet, he took her by the hand before she could walk off and began to vogue. Following his lead, the nurse too began to dance. Tears of glee rolled down Cuddy's face as she desperately tried to restrain herself. No matter how she tried, she just could not regain her composure.

"_I'm too sexy for my cat, too sexy for my cat_

_Poor pussy...poor pussy cat._

_I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for love_

_Love's going to leave me."_

Foreman was gasping for air as guffaws erupted from him.

"_And I'm too sexy for this song."_

The music abruptly ended, and taking her shawl, the nurse returned to her seat. Chase sat down looking rather pleased with himself. Out of breath, Foreman looked at him.

"Oh man...haha that was rough."

Chase grinned.

"Not really...I got that nurse's number."

The table once again erupted into a fit of giggles as everyone tried to quiet down to hear who House would play for next. House looked out in the crowd.

Who would be a good victim for the piano man now?


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimed! The first song is If You Were Gay from Avenue Q. The second is If I Were Gay by Stephen Lynch. Tee Hee ..evil thoughts..**

"This next piece, I think you will all find, truly exemplifies my feelings toward the man that is Dr. James E. Wilson. An excellent oncologist, a wonderful friend, and above it all, a very loving man. He is a great husband until he cheats. This ones for you buddy."

Snickers were heard all around and Wilson's face was beet red.

_"If you were gay_

_That'd be ok_

_I mean cause hey!_

_I like you anyway_

_Because you see_

_If it were me_

_I would feel free _

_To say that I was gay!_

_But I'm not gay!"_

Wilson's eyes turned into big round saucers and his jaw hit the table. Cuddy covered her eyes as her shoulders shook slightly. People all over the room were looking at Wilson and giggling.

_"If you were queer_

_I'd still be here_

_Year after year_

_Because you're dear to me_

_If I told you today_

_Hey, guess what I'm gay!_

_But I'm not gay!"_

Wilson looked as if he were going to cry. That kicked puppy look seemed to be permanently fixed to his face. It wasn't enough to stop House though. A male nurse at the bar gave Wilson a wink and a flirty wave. Wilson looked away quickly.

_"I'm happy_

_Just being with you_

_So what should it matter to me_

_What you do in bed with guys!"_

Poor Wilson buried his face in his hands as Cameron nearly spit out her water laughing so hard.

_"If you were gay_

_I'd shout Hooray!_

_And here I'd stay_

_But I wouldn't get in your way."_

Cuddy tried to comfort her friend, but was too busy wiping tears off her face from too much laughter.

_"You can count on me_

_To always be_

_Beside you everyday_

_To tell you it's okay_

_You were just born that way_

_And as they say_

_It's in your DNA _

_You're GAYYYYYYYYYYY!"_

Wilson looked to the people behind him and muttered to them, "I'm not gay." Once the words were out of his mouth House gave a great shout.

_"If you WERE gay!"_

The music changed suddenly to a different tune. Everyone tried to quiet down to see what was going on. Chase burst out in laughter when he recognized the music.

_"Here we are, dear old friend_

_You and I, drunk again._

_Laughs have been had_

_Tears have been shed_

_Maybe the whiskeys gone to my head_

_But if I were gay_

_I would give you my heart_

_And if I were gay_

_You'd be my work of art_

_And if I were gay_

_We were swim in romance!_

_But I'm not gay_

_So get your hand out of my pants!"_

People were laying their heads on the tables, completely taken over by laughter that shook them to their core. Sure they felt a little bad, but come on. How could they NOT laugh? The rumors had been flying for years and this was the first mention about it from one of the two. It was just too perfect.

_"It's not that I don't care, I do_

_I just don't see myself in you_

_Another time, another scene_

_I'd be right behind you, if you know what I mean_

_Cause if I were gay_

_I would give soul_

_And if I were gay_

_I would give you my whole... being_

_And if I were gay_

_We would tear down the walls_

_But I'm Not gay_

_So wont you stop cupping my Ba... Hand"_

No one could stop laughing. Cuddy was so glad she made the decision to have House perform. She wondered to herself, _How is he keeping such a straight face while he sings lyrics about being gay?_

_"We've never hugged_

_We've never kissed_

_I've never been intimate, with your fist_

_You have opened brand new doors_

_Get over here and drop ... your ... Draaaaaaaaaaaaaawers!"_

House threw his head back as he sang the last note. His eyes were closed and he looked completely taken over by the music, while still looking sarcastic. _How does he DO that? _Foreman thought to himself as he tried to compose himself. Wilson just continued to stare at his friend on the stage. This was beyond any antic of House that Wilson or anyone could have ever thought up. _I hope he's proud of himself._ Wilson mused to himself. However he was still trying not to smile. Finally, as House sat and waited for the applause and laughter to die down Wilson let loose a grin. Getting his friends attention, Wilson blew House a kiss. The audience went frantic with laughter and House nearly fell off the piano bench. Not even he expected that one.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimed. **

**Sorry for the wait you guys! Cameron's a hard one...I'm don't especially like this chapter but I felt bad for the long wait and after all it IS true. Hope you dig it! And don't be afraid to review!**

"Well folks, I'd like to dedicate this next little diddy to the lovely Dr. Allison Cameron. I can only wish that someday the chorus may come true."

Cameron looked extremely apprehensive. The rest of the audience was smiling and waiting for the fun to begin. Some were trying to look uninterested for her sake. After all she was so sweet and kind, who were they to laugh at her, even as a joke? Cameron bit her lip as a peaceful introduction flowed from the 88 keys. The moment the lyrics started she scoffed and started to laugh.

_"She's a Barbie girl in the Barbie world _

_Life in plastic, it's fantastic _

_You can brush her hair, undress her everywhere _

_Imagination, life is your creation."_

"He would pick that song." She muttered more to herself than those at the table.

_"Come on, Barbie, let's go party _

_She's a Barbie girl in the Barbie world _

_Life in plastic, it's fantastic _

_You can brush her hair, undress her everywhere _

_Imagination, life is your creation _

_She's a blonde single girl in the fantasy world _

_Dress her up, take your time, I'm your doll _

_You're my doll, rock and roll, feel the glamour and pain _

_Kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky"_

She chuckled at the tentative laughter behind her. Turning towards them, she grinned to let them know it was ok. And convenient with her new blonde hair.

_"You can touch, you can play _

_If you say she's always yours, oooh whoa _

_She's a Barbie girl in the Barbie world _

_Life in plastic, it's fantastic _

_You can brush her hair, undress her everywhere _

_Imagination, life is your creation _

_Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah"_

Chase tossed his head back laughing so hard. House singing in falsetto?! Fluttering his eyelids and grinning like a doll. It was something he would probably never see again...but then again. This was House...never say never.

_"Make her walk, make her talk, do whatever you please _

_She can act like a star, she can beg on her knees _

_Come jump in, be my friend, let us do it again _

_Hit the town, fool around, let's go party _

_You can touch, you can play _

_If you say she's always yours _

_You can touch, you can play _

_If you say she's always yours _

_Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah"_

Foreman just stared open mouthed at his boss. His sides hurt from laughing so much and if he wasn't out of breath still from House's last song, he probably would have fallen out of his chair. Wilson let out a raucous peal of laughter.

_"She's a Barbie girl in the Barbie world _

_Life in plastic, it's fantastic _

_You can brush her hair, undress her everywhere _

_Imagination, life is your creation _

_She's a Barbie girl in the Barbie world _

_Life in plastic, it's fantastic _

_You can brush her hair, undress her everywhere _

_Imagination, life is your creation _

_Come on, Barbie, let's go party, ha ha ha, yeah"_

Cuddy placed one hand on Cameron's shaking shoulder and the other on her own chest. Laughing this hard should really be illegal. Her hand moved to her side as the stitch got worse. She didn't like to admit it much, but really House cracked her up. She often left him after a lecture and returned to her own office to chuckle over something he said.

_"Oh, I'm having so much fun!"_ House squealed in a surprisingly girlish voice.

_Well, Barbie, we're just getting started!" _He replied to himself gruffly.

_Oh, I love you Ken! "_ He batted his eyelashes flirtatiously and gave Chase a wink.

"I bet Chase really hates himself for giving up his spot as Ken. But hey you have to learn to share your toys man!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimed.**

**Well I know it's been a LONG wait and I am SO sorry for the delay. Foreman is a REALLY hard one to find a song for. I think I've decided that now that this piece is done, I'm going to re-write it as a serious story. However, since I was disappointed in the time it took for me to get songs together for this one, I may not start to work on the serious version until I have a few songs figured out. Anyways, just be on the lookout for it! Hope you enjoy.**

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A quiet hum of happy laughter and conversation flowed through the room. House was on stage, chuckling to himself and just plunking out a random melody. Everyone was anxious for him to begin singing again. Everyone except Foreman that is. Chase gave the man a smile and a clap on the shoulder.

"What's wrong Foreman? You seemed to have fun when he was playing for everyone else. And who knows, you're song may not be as bad." The people at the table just laughed as Foreman rolled his eyes.

"You guys know he's gonna tear me up. I'm just hoping it isn't too bad."

"Well at least he won't ruin your reputation and make everyone think you're gay. He's already done that once tonight and House isn't really big on repeating himself." Wilson chuckled. The room silenced as House paused. With a grin House leaned towards the mic.

"Following along with the theme of the evening, this song is also a dedication. This particular diddy goes out to Dr. Eric Foreman, a true OG." He began tapping out the strong introduction to a familiar song. Familiar that is, to most of the audience except the man it was about. Or so he would lead you to believe.

_"Give it to me baby uh huh uh huh  
Give it to me baby uh huh uh huh   
Give it to me baby uh huh uh huh_

And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy

Uno dos tres quatro cinco cinco seís

You know its kinda hard just to get along today  
Our subject isn't cool but he fakes it anyway  
He may not have a clue and he may not have style  
But everything he lacks well he makes up in denial."

Foreman pursed his lips and rolled his eyes. Shaking his head, he crossed his arms over his broad chest. Chase was bobbing his head along to the song with a gaping smile. Very "A Night At The Roxbury."

"You actually like this song?" Cameron questioned with surprise through her giggles.

"I love Offspring!" Chase almost shouted. The people at the table pretended not to know him.__

"So don't debate, a player straight  
You know he really doesn't get it anyway  
He's gonna play the field, and keep it real  
For you no way, for you no way  
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate  
At least you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake  
The world needs wannabes  
Hey, hey, do that brand new thing!

Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh  
Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh  
Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh

And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy "

House was wearing his "gangster face" as he attempted to lean with it and rock with it. Not easy when you're singing and playing the piano. But House is a man known for taking on difficult tasks. He nodded to someone in the wings. A very attractive, scantily clad woman rushed out and stood in between House and the audience. When she ran back off stage, House was wearing a red, white and blue bandanna, tied Tupac style and a long gold chain with Notorious B.I.G.'s head on it. A true OG.__

"He needs some cool tunes, not just any will suffice  
But they didn't have Ice Cube so he bought Vanilla Ice  
Now cruising in his Pinto, he sees homies as he pass  
But if he looks twice, they're gonna kick his lily ass!

So don't debate, a player straight  
You know he really doesn't get it anyway  
He's gonna play the field, and keep it real  
For you no way, for you no way  
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate  
At least you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake  
The world loves wannabes  
Hey, hey, do that brand new thing!

Now he's getting a tattoo yeah, he's getting ink done  
He asked for a 13, but they drew a 31  
Friends say he's trying too hard and he's not quite hip  
But in his own mind he's the, he's the dopest trip "

Wilson was watching House with a smile, every now and then having to duck down his head and laugh at his goofy friend and his thugged out new look.__

"Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh  
Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh  
Give it to me baby, uh huh, uh huh

Uno dos tres quatro cinco cinco seís 

So don't debate, a player straight  
You know he really doesn't get it anyway  
He's gonna play the field, and keep it real   
For you no way, for you no way  
So if you don't rate, just overcompensate  
At least you'll know you can always go on Ricki Lake

The world needs wannabes  
The world loves wannabes   
Let's get some more wannabes

Hey, hey, do that brand new thing! "

House gave his tough ass "gangster look" again while the crowd went absolutely wild. There were whistles and cheer and shouts. It was clear the benefit had been a total success.

"This was possibly my best idea EVER." Cuddy told Wilson through her smile. She stood and clapped louder. House kissed his fingers and threw up a peace sign. Tapping himself in the chest twice with his fist, his limp turned into a pimp walk as he exited stage left.

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**Well? How was it? Review!**


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